Tired

I have learned to just ignore my parents when they’re yelling at me. I’m not gonna argue back and I’m not gonna defend myself. Why bother? It’s not like they’ll suddenly see reason and understand my point of view. Instead, it’ll just anger them more and then I’ll get yelled at longer. Nope, I’m tired of that bullshit. 

I’m just going to ignore them and let them yell at me to their heart’s content. Kick me out? Don’t make me laugh. You didn’t kick my sister out when she lied and royally fucked up. You’re not gonna kick me out for not working. My parents never understand. I want to look for work now, but I’m planning to travel next month and then again in Oct. No sensible place of employment will hire me and then let me take two weeks off every other month when I’m just a newbie.

If my parents are serious about kicking me out, I’ll leave. But they better be prepared to tell people they only have two children instead of three because I’m never coming back. 

Cutting off ties sounds extreme but I’ve really had enough. My parents aren’t bad people; just shitty parents. They’ve done the bare minimum: fed me, housed me, and clothed me. But I’ve never felt any love from them. All my life, I’ve been made to feel like a failure, a screw up, that the decisions I make are stupid and the path I choose is the wrong one. Everything I do is just one big mistake and that I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough. I’m fucking tired of hurting. 

Is it that hard to just tell me you support me and my decisions for once?

My Sister, the Princess

My sister treats this house like it’s a live in hotel or some shit like that. She doesn’t say anything when she leaves the house nor does she say anything when she comes home. No ‘I’m leaving. Bye.’ She just stays in her room the entire time she’s at home, only coming out to for food.

She also never cleans up her mess either. Makes a huge fucking mess in the kitchen and bathroom for me to clean up after – every fucking day.

This is why I refuse to live with her. And when the family moves, she’s gonna have to fucking uproot her whole life here because I am not staying here with her. She treats me like her fucking maid or something.

Freedom!!

Today is my last day at work! I am so excited!! I can’t believe I even held on this longggg! I am finally gonna be free!!

I should be looking for another job but I think I’m just gonna take a break for like a week before starting the job hunting process haha so lazy. But I’ve been so stressed the past two months (even more so the past couple of weeks) that I just need this week to do nothing.

There are so many things I want to do and I’ll finally have the time to do them! Excited! 😀

D-4

I am excited! This is my last week of work! (Coincidentally, traffic has been worst than usual; I am infinitely glad that I am about to leave all this behind!)

A little sad that I’ll have to start job hunting but hopefully it won’t be too bad. Looking forward to not having to wake up early and lots of free time. I’m planning to start working out and really work on clearing my skin. Also, finally gonna have the time to work on the numerous photo projects and that travel scrapbook I’ve been planning to do since forever! Hehe excited for this new chapter in my life. For better or worse, I’m definitely not gonna regret quitting here!

Not an Early Bird

For some reason every time I have to wake up early (like before 6am) or if I got less than 5 hours of sleep, I get really nauseous. I can’t stomach anything besides water. If I even attempt to drink anything else or eat anything, I end up dry heaving and feel like shit the rest of the day. My appetite is also nonexistent too if I haven’t gotten enough sleep. 

Drank an ice cap earlier and now I’m suffering for it. Feel like shit and feel nauseous. Ugh cannot wait for tomorrow. I can finally go home and rest for a few days!

I Hate People

I feel like some people get a kick out of pissing me off. I tell them to not stand in the back and later they will come and stand near me and watch for my reaction 😒 

I’ve also got a few people who got angry at me because I told them they would have to wait to enter the meeting because they didn’t RSVP or are last minute additions that just show up, hoping to get in. This is what happens when you don’t follow directions. You’re not the king of the world; don’t expect me to give you special treatment just because you fucking drove 15 hours to get here. 

What’s worse is that these are grown adults. I talk to them politely and patiently but they act like I killed their whole family. I can’t with people.

One down, two more to go

Today is the last day for the event in Cleveland. So glad this one is done! I’ve been so exhausted. Yesterday was the longest day – working from 6:30am to 9:30pm. 15 freaking hours!! I barely ate yesterday since I was so tired from getting little sleep and waking up early. 

I was also stressed and nervous out of my mind because of the dinner situation. I was so worried there wouldn’t be enough food for everyone. I ended up puking before dinner because I was so stressed >< 

Luckily there was enough food for everyone and even a lot left over too! I was so relieved and felt like I could finally breathe.

At the end of the night though, my legs were sore and in pain and my lower back was aching. (I don’t know why but my lower back has been hurting lately if I stand/on my feet for a few hours; I should really go see a doctor) Ended up knocking out immediately when I finally went to bed. Sleeping never felt so good!

Next stop~ Edmonton. Sighhh

Countdown Starts

Told my boss yesterday that I was quitting to go back to school and that I wouldn’t even have time to work part-time. June 15th is gonna be my last day.

Not the smartest thing to do, quitting a job without having another one lined up but I honestly cannot take it here anymore.

Three more weeks till freedom!

Quick Update;

I got another hair cut yesterday. Tried out a new place and the guy cut my hair wayyyyy too short. I look like a guy now. Sighhh…oh wells. Tried something new and it didn’t work out. What can I do? Definitely not going back there again though.

At work – closing registration for the upcoming event this weekend. We already extended the deadlines three times already! From May 8th till today. It’s ridiculous and I still have people sending in their qualification forms requesting for a RSVP. Like dude, the last day to RSVP was YESTERDAY. There’s this one CEO (his wife) in particular that is annoying as fuck and sends their shit multiple times despite us telling them no the first time already. I’m just gonna start ignoring it. Why do people always wait until the last minute and expect to get an exception? Like homie, we gave you a month to do this shit.

Other than work, I’ve just been really sad and depressed lately about my life. I just keep telling myself it’s only three more weeks. Just gotta hold on for three more weeks and then I’ll be free.

Can’t Choose Your Family

Aunt on my dad’s side is doing a bbq tomorrow. I don’t want to go because 1. I’m gonna be trapped there for god knows how long. It’s like an hour away and if I have to go the whole family will go together and it’s not like I have a car to drive myself home when I want to leave. ALSO my dad always makes us the last to leave despite all of us having work and school the next day and have to wake up early but does he have any consideration for us? No. We don’t leave until 9 or 10pm and don’t get home until 11pm-ish. No, I don’t want to sleep in the car, I want to sleep in my bed.

(You know what’s funny though? My dad is ALWAYS absent from family gatherings on my mom’s side but he makes all of us go to family stuff on HIS side, despite none of us wanting to go -.-)

The second reason I don’t want to go is because I just don’t like any of my cousins on my dad’s side. They all grew up together and have inside jokes and it just makes me and my siblings uncomfortable since it feels like we’re outcasts. They’re not bad people; they’re actually really nice!! It’s just we have nothing in common so there’s nothing to really talk about. We may be family but given the choice, I rather be alone than hang out with them.