Every morning I hate waking up. I hate having to endure an hour and half of driving through traffic to work. I hate work even more. I spend half the day wanting to kill everyone and the other half wanting to kill myself. By the time I get home, I eat dinner, do the dishes, then laze in bed doing nothing until it’s time to sleep. About an hour or two before my appropriate bed time is spent thinking that I’m too lazy to do some skincare pampering and then by the time it is bed time, I’m hating myself for being so lazy. Go to sleep and repeat, while wishing for the weekend to come already.
When the weekend comes I somehow always manage to wake up early but spend hours in bed on my phone playing games, checking all my SNS, watching videos, checking news, and going on the usual sites I do. When I’ve got through all of them, I just repeat the process (multiple times), stupidly expecting something to change on one of them (it doesn’t). When my phone runs out of battery, I switch to my ipad. I tell myself I need to get out of bed early but I don’t. It’s always ‘I’ll get up in 20 minutes.‘ ‘It’s almost 11, I’ll get up then.‘ ‘Oops, I missed 11. I’ll just get up at 12.‘ ‘I’ll get up at 1:30‘ ‘Holy shit it’s 3 already!‘
I usually get out of bed around 3pm or 4pm, brush my teeth, and then make something quick and super unhealthy because by then I’m super starving. I may or may not shower later because I’m either too lazy or I’m not even going out, no one is going to see me and it’s not like I’m dirty or stink.
The rest of the day is spent binge watching something – movies, dramas, youtube videos, etc. – or playing some game on my phone. Then before I know it, it’s night time already and crap! I didn’t do any of the dishes or vacuum and my parents are gonna be home soon and I’ll have to listen to their nagging and crap. So then I rush and do those chores – which only really takes me about 30 minutes but being the procrastinator I am, I put it off the whole day, telling myself I’ll do it after I finish watching this or do it later. Afterwards, it’s back to lounging on my bed, doing random useless things killing time until I get sleepy. Around this time, I hate myself again because I realized I had another unproductive day and tell myself this had to stop. Tomorrow will be different.
Nope. The only difference between my Saturdays and Sundays is in addition to hating myself for being unproductive and lazy, I am also dreading going to work the next day.
This…is my life. I hate it. I’m tired of it all and I want to change it but it’s hard. Change is hard and my motivation to work towards it lasts only for a few hours. I’ve been told baby steps but every time I take a step forward, I always end up falling a few steps back. I get no where.
Sighh…I could go on and on about this but I think I’ll stop now. It’s 10 minutes to 4. I’m going to eat my breakfast now and maybe clean the shower because my mom asked nicely and since tomorrow is mother’s day…(praying I can bring myself to do it)