I did it! I cleaned the shower. It was so freaking disgusting ugh. I guess because I’m kind of blind without my glasses/contacts in the mornings when I shower I don’t really see how disgusting it is. Anyways it’s cleaned but now my back is in pain.

I have back/shoulder pains already from sitting in my bad posture in front of the computer all day at work. Hunching over and scrubbing the shower pan did not help at all. My weak arms are tired and shaking from excessive scrubbing too. I’m lying in bed right now but my arms can barely even hold up my phone to type this update.

Just wanted to put it out there that I actually did something other than lie in bed all day! ^^ My one step forward! (You’ll probably hear about my three steps back later this week ><;;)

Advertisements

A Waste of Space

Every morning I hate waking up. I hate having to endure an hour and half of driving through traffic to work. I hate work even more. I spend half the day wanting to kill everyone and the other half wanting to kill myself. By the time I get home, I eat dinner, do the dishes, then laze in bed doing nothing until it’s time to sleep. About an hour or two before my appropriate bed time is spent thinking that I’m too lazy to do some skincare pampering and then by the time it is bed time, I’m hating myself for being so lazy. Go to sleep and repeat, while wishing for the weekend to come already.

When the weekend comes I somehow always manage to wake up early but spend hours in bed on my phone playing games, checking all my SNS, watching videos, checking news, and going on the usual sites I do. When I’ve got through all of them, I just repeat the process (multiple times), stupidly expecting something to change on one of them (it doesn’t). When my phone runs out of battery, I switch to my ipad. I tell myself I need to get out of bed early but I don’t. It’s always ‘I’ll get up in 20 minutes.‘ ‘It’s almost 11, I’ll get up then.‘ ‘Oops, I missed 11. I’ll just get up at 12.‘ ‘I’ll get up at 1:30‘ ‘Holy shit it’s 3 already!

I usually get out of bed around 3pm or 4pm, brush my teeth, and then make something quick and super unhealthy because by then I’m super starving. I may or may not shower later because I’m either too lazy or I’m not even going out, no one is going to see me and it’s not like I’m dirty or stink.

The rest of the day is spent binge watching something – movies, dramas, youtube videos, etc. – or playing some game on my phone. Then before I know it, it’s night time already and crap! I didn’t do any of the dishes or vacuum and my parents are gonna be home soon and I’ll have to listen to their nagging and crap. So then I rush and do those chores – which only really takes me about 30 minutes but being the procrastinator I am, I put it off the whole day, telling myself I’ll do it after I finish watching this or do it later. Afterwards, it’s back to lounging on my bed, doing random useless things killing time until I get sleepy. Around this time, I hate myself again because I realized I had another unproductive day and tell myself this had to stop. Tomorrow will be different.

Nope. The only difference between my Saturdays and Sundays is in addition to hating myself for being unproductive and lazy, I am also dreading going to work the next day.

This…is my life. I hate it. I’m tired of it all and I want to change it but it’s hard. Change is hard and my motivation to work towards it lasts only for a few hours. I’ve been told baby steps but every time I take a step forward, I always end up falling a few steps back. I get no where.

Sighh…I could go on and on about this but I think I’ll stop now. It’s 10 minutes to 4. I’m going to eat my breakfast now and maybe clean the shower because my mom asked nicely and since tomorrow is mother’s day…(praying I can bring myself to do it)

A Waste of Space

Friday Morning

Woke up this morning and found out that the episode of chinese running man with my favorite idol was airing so I decided to stream it while I got ready for work. I don’t know how I did it but I got completely ready in about 40 minutes (shower, make-up, and hair) and this was while I was watching the show lol. It usually takes me more than an hour to get completely ready and its when I’m not even watching anything!

The episode was good and I’m glad I was able to watch it this morning ^~^ Didn’t get to finish it though since I was gonna be late for work. Oh wells, saw most of it~

(My mom on the other hand, thinks I’m crazy because I was bringing my laptop around the house with me so that I could watch – stupid site wouldn’t stream properly on my ipad)

Friday Morning

Difficult Day is Difficult

My life is pretty much just work and home now and since I’m not happy with either, all I can do is vent.

So currently at work we are processing verification forms for people that qualify to attend the next event meeting. On average I have to go through about 100 emails a day and a bajillion phone calls from people asking why they didn’t get their invite yet or if I received this or that. Most people I talk to on the phone don’t know or understand so I’m always patiently explaining things to them. It doesn’t bother me too much. But today…there was this one guy…oh…my…god…I just lost my temper with him bcuz he was just being ridiculously difficult.

Me: hello, *name of company*, ***** speaking
Him: *speaks super fast in a thick indian accent*
Me: Sorry sir, can you speak a little slower?
Him: *explains his situation and asks to change location for meeting he’s attending*
Me: okay, can you email me this?

Him: I’ve already emailed you
Me: Okay, if you emailed me already then I’ll get to it and respond to your email.
Him: Can you check if you received it?
Me: I’m sorry I have a lot of emails to go through, I can’t possibly check for it. If you’ve emailed me, then I’ll respond.

It’s easier on me when people just send an email with what they want because half the time I can’t understand them on the phone and the other half is because I am extremely forget and I won’t remember what they want. So it’s best to have an email/written form of their request so that I can task it and it’ll lower the chance of me forgetting. So yeah, I worked through my emails, see his and respond.

I soon get a call from him again with him verbally responding to my email. I’m just baffled and a little bit annoyed and tell him to just respond to my email. Some time pass and get to his email. I open it and its some email he forwarded me. All he said in the email was “per our conversation on the phone”. That’s it, no context, no recap of what he wants or what we even said. I had gotten a lot more phone calls between his and opening the email so I couldn’t remember what he said on the phone – I knew I wouldn’t remember so that’s why I told him to email me!

So anyways I reply back and ask him to clarify what exactly it is he wants because I don’t remember. And then guess what? HE CALLS ME AGAIN!!

Him: *explains over the phone*
Me: SIR! Please just reply to my email
Him: I know but *goes on explaining*
Me: Can’t you just reply to my email? I talk to A LOT of people, I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT YOU TELL ME! JUST REPLY AND I’LL GET TO YOU WHEN I CAN!

He finally gets the point and I hang up extremely frustrated. Like I don’t understand why people are like this?! Ugh…it was the first time I lost it with someone. -.-

Meanwhile, my coworker was just cackling because I’d finally lost it.

Difficult Day is Difficult

Change of Plans

At first I had planned to stick it out at my job until the end of September but I honestly don’t know if I can hold out that long anymore. On Monday, I realized yeah, I really can’t and decided I’m going to quit at the end of June. I told my coworkers (the ones that I’m close with) and one of them asked me how sure was I about quitting in June. I was feeling about 60% on Monday. Today is Wednesday and it’s gone up to 80%. Every minute I’m at work I hate my life more and more.

I believe I am a really patient person with a high tolerance for bullshit but I’ve come to realized that I am just not fitted for this position; I can’t deal with all these people and bullshit and this and that. Enough is enough.

Change of Plans

So much for being a happy day

I don’t ask for much from my dad and yet the few times I ask him to do something for me he always treats it as non-important or puts it off. But then when he asks me to do stuff he expects me to drop everything I’m doing and do what he wants, as if it’s a life or death situation. He’s so self-centered and has no consideration for the rest of us at all.

I signed him on as an authorize user on my credit card account a few years ago because he made shit decisions and fucked up both my parents’ credit and was in huge debt. I paid most of the bills for what he charged (which was one of the reasons why my credit card debt got so out of control) and didn’t ask for money back because I knew my parents were tight with money. It was my way of helping out.

Maybe a year or two ago, he signed up for this stupid subscription for webex. Charged it on my card. He doesn’t use it now but it still gets charged every month. Of course he’s not concerned about it since he’s not paying for it (I honestly think he sucks with managing finances; always spending on useless shit) and my mom doesn’t nag him to cancel it because she’s not paying for it either. I’ve brought it up numerous times before (and again just now too!) but he still doesn’t cancel it. I’m trying to shelf that card so I don’t want any more charges on it so I asked him to either cancel it or change it to his credit card. Nope. Doesn’t do it. Always says he’ll do it later but never does.

I am so fucking pissed right now. Not gonna fucking do anything for him until he changes it. I am so done with trying to be a good daughter. Tried it but was constantly told all the things I did wasn’t good enough so why the fuck should I try anymore?

And you know what sucks about this whole thing? Today’s my birthday. The last time my parents gave me a birthday present was when I was 15 – that was 10 years ago. I’ve never really cared about my birthday and the lack of presents never bothered me but today I just asked for one thing, ONE THING! and my dad yells at me that he’ll do it later when I ask if he could do it now. I get stubborn and refuse to stop asking until he does it and he gets super mad and gives me money to pay me back AS IF THAT WAS THE FUCKING ISSUE!

I am so done. Can’t wait to move out.

So much for being a happy day

I Just Can’t

I am seriously wondering if its worth it to stay at this job when my mental health deteriorates a little bit more and more each day. I am going crazy dealing with the stupid people calling and emailing me asking if I received something or not. This one idiot, emails me, stating in the email that she received my response to her previous emails but just wanted to clarify with me again if i received it. I’m just like, really??

Another thing that drives me nuts is the fact that no one respects deadlines around here. Something is due on this date but we still accept shit a week later and make exception for this person and make exception for that person, it’s so frustrating! It’s easy for the boss to yell at us to accept them but do they know how much work goes on in the background? Also, these people act like we only have their problems to deal with. I. JUST. CAN’T!

Seriously considering quitting this job next month. I honestly cannot take this bullshit. I don’t care if I don’t have another job lined up after this or that it’s hard to find a job now. It’s not like I have bills to pay – only my own credit card bills and school loans. Most of my credit card is gas spent on driving to work anyways!

I really don’t want to continue living a life where I hate getting up every morning to go do a job I hate. I’ve only got one life. I don’t want to live it like this.

I Just Can’t

Just My Luck

So I was supposed to go on a Spain trip for work on Monday. But on the Thursday before, I felt a cold creeping up. On Friday, I was starting to feel out of it from the medicine I was taking and by Saturday and Sunday, I was dying in bed. My throat hurt so much that I could barely swallow. I also had a slight headache, runny nose, and a small cough. Had to cancel my flight on Monday morning and went to the doctors. Turns out my throat glands were swollen. I don’t know what kind of cold this is considering it’s the first time it’s ever happened to me. Got antibiotics and started feeling better the next day.

Somehow though, I just knew I would get sick before my Spain trip because my sister had pneumonia two weeks ago, my brother had a bad cold and strep throat before that, and my mom had pneumonia too before that. All three rarely cover their mouth when coughing =.= With my house infested like this, it’s a wonder if I didn’t catch anything.

Kind of bummed that I missed out on a trip but it’s been nice just resting at home. I have to force myself to go back to work tomorrow though. My throat only hurts when I wake up after sleeping but it gets soothed after I gulp down lots of water. My coughing isn’t getting better (it’s actually getting worst when I go to sleep at night) and my head has been throbbing all day but hopefully it’ll go away by tomorrow.

Just My Luck

Grammar…Oh Boy

Reading some of my TEFL course work at work since I have nothing better to do. This section is on grammar and I’m just thinking to myself, “Crap…I can barely understand these grammar points, how am I supposed to teach them to people?!” I mean, I understand how they work of course but using the technical terms like simple present and etc. gives me a headache because I don’t remember ever learning the names of the grammar points. Oh dear…

On another note, I think I found some grammar errors in the examples/text. Don’t know if they are really errors, British English, or just my English is messed up haha.

Grammar…Oh Boy

I Hate People.

One of my coworkers is really starting to piss me off. I have decided I’m not going to talk to her anymore.

I don’t know what her problem is but most of the time when we’re talking (or she’s talking to anyone in general) she gets hella defensive about her thoughts and opinions. Or she pushes them like she’s correct and the rest of us are wrong. Like chill, we’re just talking.

Yesterday I was just telling her about this thread I read on reddit about unethical things doctors do. I was just saying if I ever needed surgery or something major, I would go back to the US to do because I trust the doctors in the US more than, let’s say, China (for the record, I have nothing against China). She goes off on me saying that doctors in the US are horrible and that so many malpractices happen in the US too. Well, okay, I agree, there’s shitty doctors everywhere but if I had to choose between China and US, I’d choose US. But then she continues lecturing me about the bad shit doctors in the US do and that I should do my research before going into a major surgery.

Bitch, if I have to do a major surgery, I would most likely dying or heading in that direction. I wouldn’t have the fucking time to do my research. Ugh! She’s so fucking irritating with the way she talks.

It’s not only me though; she’s pissed off my other coworkers with the way she gets so defensive about her opinions and shit.

I’ve had enough.

I Hate People.